On the deadly sins of celibacy

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On the deadly sins of celibacy

Post  Mark on Tue Jul 17, 2012 9:00 am


Straight-talking guy. Makes a CBT for celibates, which is as below:

Deadly Sins of Celibacy
"1. Apathy.

1.1 Apathy itself.

You just sit on your ass without mustering up sufficient motivation to do what it takes to beat this thing.

1.2 Procrastination.

Eh, I'll get around to it.

1.3 Deferral of Action.

"I'll start working on this when I finish college/graduate law school/get a real job/buy a house/improve my emotional health/complete five years of intensive therapy/blah blah blah." FAIL.

2. Excuses and Justifications.

2.1 The Special Case.

Somehow you fall at the extreme far end of the bell curve. You're a special case, and no existing solution can possibly work for you. You're just that fucked. Any advice or recommendations, no matter how logical or sensible or demonstrably effective, is therefore to be dismissed offhand.

2.2 The "Yes, But..." Game.

"You should do X."

"Yes, but..."

"Well, try doing Y, then."

"Yes, but..."

"Uhhhhhh... Z, maybe?"

"Yes, but..."

2.3 Pseudo-science.

(Mis)using evolutionary psychology, behavioral genetics, endocrinology, or [fill in the blank] to explain why your case--and the cases of half of everyone else in here, apparently--is hopeless. Or, if not hopeless, why evolution has stacked the deck significantly against you.

"My pheromones are defective! That must be what it is!"

2.4 The Rugged Individualist.

The refusal to change or improve yourself. "I shouldn't have to change", or, "I would have to change my essential, true, core self to be with somebody, and I'd rather commit Seppoku than do that." You have this fanatical devotion to the ideal of your own egoistic subjectivity. You refuse to be flexible. Keep this up and you're probably fucked.

2.5 But I've tried everything!

Short answer: no you haven't! You claim to have tried every last thing out there: PUA, No More Mr. Nice Guy, How to Win Friends and Influence People, etc. etc. etc. Since none of it worked, you feel justified, and even self-righteous in declaring yourself fucked.

2.6 Trying to win the title of "Worst Incel Ever."

"If you want to be the king of pain, stand in line!" - Henry Rollins.

You're trying to convince everyone you're the worst case ever. The most fucked up, the most incurable, the most doomed, the most unfuckable, the ugliest, the creepiest, worst piece of living sub-human shit that ever crawled out of a fetid shit swamp.

Quit flattering yourself. Get over yourself, or else you'll have nobody to blame but yourself.

2.7 Fatalism.

"Some people are just meant to be incel." Huh? "That's just how it is. You might as well just resign yourself." Well, you just screwed yourself, I can tell you that.

2.8 Law of the Jungle

You might not be playing fast-and-loose with evolutionary psychology, but you do tend to view your problem as a matter of male animals competing over scarce resources (women) in the jungle. You might not literally believe in the "alpha male" theory (humans aren't analogous to canines or lions, btw), but you view yourself as being at some kind of competitive disadvantage who will never be able to compete with "Mr. Muscles", "Mr. Tough Guy", "Mr. Comedian", "Mr. Money", "Mr. Mysterious", "Mr. Pretty Boy", or "Mr. Smooth." You'll end up like the omega male of the pack, dying in the woods alone having never reproduced, having been soundly defeated by your male betters. (I keep saying 'male' because I've only ever seen males lament this.)

Two problems: The "Mr. Incel" within you poses much stiffer competition than "Mr. Muscles" or "Mr. Smooth." Secondly, unless you're in Alaska or on a Navy destroyer or something, a mindset of artificial scarcity contributes to self-defeat.

3. Overanalysis.

3.1 Overanalysis itself.

Every last little possible detail or angle or potential course of action must be scrutinized and dissected and analyzed and critiqued to the nth degree. It's just too bad that human interaction isn't as analyzable as chemical interactions in a laboratory. You get so preoccupied with this, and the field of possibility gets so fogged with infernal confusion and complexity that you can't even act. And the surest way to fail is to... not act in the first place.

3.2 Getting hung up on minor shit.

"What if she sees the surgical scar on my ass?" What if what if what if... what if you stopped worrying about minor shit like that?

3.3 Pseudo-science.

Overanalysis at its most acute (see 2.3).

3.4 Thinking Way Too Far Ahead. Or, Preemptively Making the Decision For Him or Her.

"He won't like me. So I'm not going to talk to him."

"What if she agrees to go out on a date with me, but then decides I'm boring?"

3.5 Distorted Logic and Hyper-Logic.

Maybe your IQ is stratospheric. Maybe you (also) have Asperger's Syndrome. (Full disclosure: the person writing this does.) Maybe the world of supercomputers and quantum physics are child's play to you, but human interactions are like an ant trying to wrap its brain around string theory. You fixate on the wrong things and churn out MS thesis-length analyses that absolutely mystify everyone else. You blow elementary aspects far out of proportion, deconstructing them in ways that would cause an Oxford logician to have a brain aneurysm. But if you ever do experience a breakthrough, it won't be because of your considerable intellect. (See the Onion's video about NASA scientists planning to "approach girl" by 2012.)

3.6 Mr. Spock

The realm of human interactions strikes you as being irrational, or as Mr. Spock would say, "that is not logical." If it isn't as cut-and-dry as the laws of physics or mathematics, then it is somehow invalid. "Syntax Error: Does Not Compute."

You're not so logical as you might like to think, I'm afraid.

3.7 Picking apart every last thing you did wrong in the recent or distant past.

"It must be because I blinked 32% faster than the normal rate during the crucial 12 second window when..." And then you spend days reconstructing every last possible thing that could have been done differently. It's good to learn from your mistakes, but some people take it way beyond moderation.

3.8 Prudishness.

You're not motivated by shame or fear, but you overanalyze how your actions may be misinterpreted so you don't act. You have a rigid and/or antiquated view of what is appropriate behavior to the point where you think you're sending out signals but most people would interpret it as platonic interest.

3.9 "Only science can save us, you fools!"

Basically, our alleged "pop psychology" format is bullshit. Only rigorous, empirical, objective, systemic inquiry can possibly unpack the infernal riddle that is involuntary celibacy. Perhaps the explanation (and potential treatment) is genetic, or neurochemical, or evolutionary, or endocrinological, or urological, or [fill in the blank]. If only the government would give you a $50,000,000 grant, you could come up with an effective solution (that could be sold to Pfizer for a hundred million smackers), and demonstrate once and for all the supremacy of your intellectual vigor and how it towers above we mere sheeplike pedestrian drones.

3.10 Construction of an Indelible Incel "Identity."

You have constructed a hard-and-fast binary categorization: the noncels on the one side of the dividing line, and incels on the other. Incels are somehow indelibly so, and are immutably distinct from noncels. Who knows, it might even be genetic? Closely related to 'Pseudo-Science' but not always, as many who commit this sin don't put quite that much thought into it.

4. Naivete.

4.1 Highly Idealized or Naive Views about Romantic Relationships.

It ain't fuckin' Disneyland out there. It's probably too much to expect things to play out that way for you, unless you join some throwback fundamentalist sect (and even then....). Reorient yourself for adult life in the 21st century.

4.2 The Myth of "The One."

Some among the ancient Greeks believed that in primordial times we lived on the moon and were Siamese twins. Then there was a Cataclysm and we all got split off from our "other half." It's an innate human desire to be reunited with your "one." Thing is, it could be a dude who's your best bud or something.

We don't believe in Zeus and Athena anymore. (Well, most of us don't.) So drop that "soul mate" shit.

4.3 One-Itis

"You don't understand! There can never be anyone like her!"

"He dumped me. I'll never love again."

"S/he is my only chance at true love

4.4 Infatuation in Response to the Slightest Bit of Attention.

"OMG she smiled at me!!!!! She laughed at one of my jokes!!!!! I'm saved, hallelujah!!!!!!!!!!!!"

4.5 Perfectionism.

"Okay, she has to look like Bettie Page, she has to have attained at least a level 70 with one of her WoW characters, she has to like Star Trek, she has to be a passionate believer in the 2nd amendment, she has to like post-punk ethereal dreamwave vegetarian slowcore, blah blah blah blah blah...."

4.6 "Some day my Prince will come."

This subcategory would include people who believe in the White Knight or Goddess. He/She will magically appear in the most unlikely place and will fix everything else about your life. Ahm no. Going to events or places where there are members of the appropriate sex will increase one's chances in meeting him/her- though there is no guarantee that it will happen. Also living your life to the fullest, the good and the bad, is your responsibility.

5. Fear.

5.1 Timidity.

Fear that you'll be wrecked and ruined if you get rejected. Fear of approaching. Fear that you'll be ridiculed, slapped, kicked in the balls, beaten half to death by her brothers, etc. etc.

5.2 Fear of being hurt. Trust issues.

This is understandable if you've experienced partner abuse or family abuse or any number of other traumas. But whether it's warranted or not, it's something that must be worked through.

5.3 Fear of what you'll get.

"So, like, what if I fall in love but then realize that, like, I'm better at being solitary?" (See also 3.4: thinking way too far ahead.)

5.4 Fear of the Past.

You've been hurt, in one way or another. You had a relationship once, or something resembling one, and it ruined your life. You're afraid of the ghosts of the past, and that you're permanently damaged, and unable to handle what might potentially come in the future.

6. Rage.

6.1 Misogyny

"Radical feminists have ruined everything!"

"Women only like jerks and bad boys and alpha males. Not nice guys like me. Fucking bitches." (This line of thinking is often tied in with 3.3: psuedo-science.)

6.2 Misandry

Some qualifiers. If the membership of this board represents all incels out there (keep in mind that it might not), two out of three incels are male. Therefore, for simple numeric reasons, misogyny would be more common. And second of all, misogyny has had far greater ubiquity and persistence over the history of incel/loveshy/shyness on the internet.

With that said, misandry is just as counter-productive, self-destructive, and futile for those it afflicts.

6.3 Distorted Perceptions of the Social World

The deck is systemically stacked against "people like me." It's a conspiracy that the vast majority of fools fail to recognize, mainly because you and people like you are the ones bearing the brunt of it.

6.4 Grievance as a lifestyle

Everyone's out to get you. The world is conspiring against you. Anybody who pretends to be on your side is insincere, and their true colors will be revealed before long. You can't win.

6.5 "You're doomed, too."

It's one thing to condemn yourself to this fate. It is quite another to tell others they're equally screwed. Too many people don't like to go down alone. They want to drag others with them.

7. Shame.

7.1 Excessive Shame.

Your mother told you that sex was evil and dirty. Or something. You've been slapped with Victorian ideology whether you like it or whether you don't, but are forced to live in a Postmodern world.

7.2 Excessive self-consciousness.

You fret and fret and fret about what you look like naked, whether your dick or pussy is too funny looking, and so on and so forth. For some, they have experienced past trauma or have been saddled with some kind of psychological/emotional disorder. This is understandable, but it must be worked through.

7.3 Scrupulousness

This often afflicts those with fundamentalist religious baggage, whether they've attempted to cast it off or not. Even dirty thoughts are wrong and sinful, and this can result in a fucked up OCD-like compulsiveness. Others have an Aspergian preoccupation with being perceived as gross or perverse or transgressive or sexist or inappropriate by would-be objects of interests.

7.4 Excessive Concern Over Offending Others or of Making Others Uncomfortable.

"What if the very thought that I might possibly be anything more than a dickless asexual gender neutral teddy bear makes her want to vomit?"

"I can't talk to this girl sitting next to me at this bar. I don't want to ruin her night."

"But I'm a gentleman. I can't go around bothering random women I don't even know!"

"I don't want to ruin the friendship." "Dude, you've only known her for a week!" "Okay, I don't want to ruin any potential friendship."

Good thing you don't have to worry about your hand's emotional well being, yeah?"


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